Why am I not in the mountains looking at valleys under the stars? I want to be in a balcony looking at the Himalayas and being able to hear the river. I want to smoke on rocks. I want to smile at random people at the street and pretend like it's absolutely normal when horses glide past you in the forest.
All I can see now is fat smoking uncle look worried in the grey building in front of mine that blocks my access to the rest of the world.
I realized today that I had'nt even thought about the hills in a while. I get so involved with the AC, complaining about how much reading I have, temporarwondering if I'm looking good enough, spending hours on the internet that I sit unbathed in pyjamas watching TV in the only free time I have and forget where the party really is.
Need escape strategy.And bus ticket.

Wasteland

I've been staying away from the blog because of sounding like an absolute total moron lately, and I am unable to decipher a way, after weeks of trying, to make myself seem interesting, aloof,funny. 

I have looked for things to write about but there's just been the usual getting drunk scared happy sad high anxious sentimental worthless high excited bored and drunk again.

All weekend my teenage sister has planted checkmarks on her 'to-do' list and stayed up all night homeworking and making it to class on time the next day. All I've done is jump on the computer when it's my turn again only to click the next button on iTunes while waiting for my life to change.

As my friends discussed life and business plans all I could do was chug rum after rum and yell 'Let's start a band!!', 'Let's make a bar!!', with approving nods from Chunni. It's my last year of college and if I have to hear another rich girl complain about the vast variety of colleges abroad to choose from, I will stage a massacre. I think sometimes that I want to apply to fancy schools(those that must not be named), but my temporarily ambitious rants disappear soon. 

For now, I'm just happy to be in my room, stare at my fish tank and force myself into sleep when I need to get something started. All I need is for someone ubeliievably hot to show up at my doorstep and say something extremely abstract yet meaningful.
What I lack in experience and insight, I make up for in cliches.

For almost a week now I have been thriving in a familiar but long forgotten pool of self-pity. I've been sitting at my computer unable to kick myself up and talk to anyone or be funny, cheerful, pleasant and alive.

When I was younger, this was more fun. It was more of a 'thing'. You could imagine you were crazy,different, intelligent, fucked up, no one understands you,  oh wow that song is like MY LIFE man. We used to drink and thrive in our self imposed misery.

Now it's more annoying. I want to stop feeling like shit, so I can study, sleep, read, and just not have my head hurt. I know the way to end this is to laugh, look pretty, exercise and implement that 'life is what you make it' bullshit, but I just can't right now. 

I don't feel unhappy, just sad and restless and unbelievably lethargic.

Today a man insisted on holding an umbrella over my head as I waited for an auto in the rain outside college because he told me that his daughter had died of hemorrhage a week ago. Being in Dilli and from Dilli, I was immediately suspicious of even this story, until I saw him wiping his tears on his sleeve. So I let him hold the umbrella over my head for half an hour, not knowing at all what to say the whole time.