It is my final year of college. When I was eighteen and just getting in I decided what I wanted to be for the next three years. I wanted to be a hater. I hated college. While all my friends were smoking under trees talking about Plato, and throwing around a few words from a few classes they attended, here I was, stuck in a building full of women with better clothes, longer hair, and absolutely no capacity for conversation. My school of cool was empty. I was alone. I hardly went all of first year. And whenever I did, I mocked my course, pissed-off my professors, and wandered around feeling like the maverick I had always planned to be. What I didn't realize is that I was desperately sad. Being comfortable was never a choice. Accepting was never a way out. All I did for two years is cling on to a fading, weak sense of hate that kept up with my image, but completely came in the way of who I was. I was a lover, not a hater. My angst wasn't artistic or productive, it was just an amusement that kept me going for a year I hardly remember anything of.

In second year, I developed a different outlook. I smoked my time away. I smoked in the morning, in the afternoon, and before I knew it days became fluid and it was all the same. I would wake up in the morning, not know what to do, so I would get stoned and wait for the answers to come to me. Now because I was still sticking to being sad, the only answer would be getting into bed and waiting for night. Then, sometimes I would drink beer in the day with a few losers(one of them who I believed I was in love with) I used to hang out with because all the actual people were doing their shit. My luck ran out and I fucked up an entire year of college. This was when I abandoned the losers, embraced reality and took the path more taken. The void that was my very adopted essence had left me. I can still remember it being around in my chest for so long, but I have no idea how it felt. 

I went to class, smiled at people, raised my hand to ask endless questions and went back with the feeling of victory that you only get from learning something. With getting back to the books and strengthening drunk bonds with my friends, there was suddenly a moment when I realized that I was happy. You know you've finally grown up when you start being a person, and not a bunch of ideas. Even though the time has come that I look forward to the next day, I'm still absolutely clueless. I don't know how to do what I want. I only have intentions but no actions.

But I know I don't want to sit around being gloomy, feeling my heart break and thinking that was how it's supposed to be. I've been googling colleges all day and feeling upset because I doubt I will actually get in but feeling good at the same time about feeling bad. 

Why is it not possible to be religious and liberal at once? As a modern Hindu, I have never been able to believe in this shiny mess that it's boiled down to. There's no black, white, grey, it's all just nothing. It's power is not productive or reductive,just vague. Which is why I just told Ma that I'm deeply fascinated with Islam and she is now getting physically hysterical.

It's probably because of listening to the coolest people in the entire world and beyond. I would do anything to have this much spunk. 

I finally had an academic epiphany reading Foucalt. 
Now I am going to google Chinese buffets. 

(None of the above was an indication not to smoke pot.)

(I know I'm incredibly repetitive. I'm not going to apologize about it because every time I do, I want to backspace and add a 'fuck you'. Despite not wanting to publish this I will, cause all day I have been singing 'Be what you wanna be...taking things the way they come lalalala'. If you have to google this shit- SHAME ON YOU)

Also. this black and orange really has to go.


Jeff man, I wish I could tear my heart out and give it to you.