Why am I not in the mountains looking at valleys under the stars? I want to be in a balcony looking at the Himalayas and being able to hear the river. I want to smoke on rocks. I want to smile at random people at the street and pretend like it's absolutely normal when horses glide past you in the forest.
All I can see now is fat smoking uncle look worried in the grey building in front of mine that blocks my access to the rest of the world.
I realized today that I had'nt even thought about the hills in a while. I get so involved with the AC, complaining about how much reading I have, temporarwondering if I'm looking good enough, spending hours on the internet that I sit unbathed in pyjamas watching TV in the only free time I have and forget where the party really is.
Need escape strategy.And bus ticket.

Wasteland

I've been staying away from the blog because of sounding like an absolute total moron lately, and I am unable to decipher a way, after weeks of trying, to make myself seem interesting, aloof,funny. 

I have looked for things to write about but there's just been the usual getting drunk scared happy sad high anxious sentimental worthless high excited bored and drunk again.

All weekend my teenage sister has planted checkmarks on her 'to-do' list and stayed up all night homeworking and making it to class on time the next day. All I've done is jump on the computer when it's my turn again only to click the next button on iTunes while waiting for my life to change.

As my friends discussed life and business plans all I could do was chug rum after rum and yell 'Let's start a band!!', 'Let's make a bar!!', with approving nods from Chunni. It's my last year of college and if I have to hear another rich girl complain about the vast variety of colleges abroad to choose from, I will stage a massacre. I think sometimes that I want to apply to fancy schools(those that must not be named), but my temporarily ambitious rants disappear soon. 

For now, I'm just happy to be in my room, stare at my fish tank and force myself into sleep when I need to get something started. All I need is for someone ubeliievably hot to show up at my doorstep and say something extremely abstract yet meaningful.
What I lack in experience and insight, I make up for in cliches.

For almost a week now I have been thriving in a familiar but long forgotten pool of self-pity. I've been sitting at my computer unable to kick myself up and talk to anyone or be funny, cheerful, pleasant and alive.

When I was younger, this was more fun. It was more of a 'thing'. You could imagine you were crazy,different, intelligent, fucked up, no one understands you,  oh wow that song is like MY LIFE man. We used to drink and thrive in our self imposed misery.

Now it's more annoying. I want to stop feeling like shit, so I can study, sleep, read, and just not have my head hurt. I know the way to end this is to laugh, look pretty, exercise and implement that 'life is what you make it' bullshit, but I just can't right now. 

I don't feel unhappy, just sad and restless and unbelievably lethargic.

Today a man insisted on holding an umbrella over my head as I waited for an auto in the rain outside college because he told me that his daughter had died of hemorrhage a week ago. Being in Dilli and from Dilli, I was immediately suspicious of even this story, until I saw him wiping his tears on his sleeve. So I let him hold the umbrella over my head for half an hour, not knowing at all what to say the whole time. 

Apparently the first thing my dad ever said to my mom was 'Behen,aaja'. He was drinking in a balcony with my uncle-my mother's brother, and my mom walked in, all beautiful and shit, and that was what he said to her. My mom, already miserable because she had to marry a bearded Delhi-boy from Defence colony, walked out calmly and burst into tears. 'Chhi, he was so HINDI', she tells me about twenty minutes ago.

I just finished drinking with my uncle, mother and cousin, and everyone got all nostalgic and teary eyed.

My mother told us about games we used to play when we were young. AD, his sister, my sister and I were inseparable when we were younger. We believed we were real siblings distanced because our parents were evil, so in all our imaginary games we were a family that lived together. And we believed we were married. All of us to each other. We were not only married, but American citizens, with huge jobs and a million dogs. Apparently, I was banished from the game every now and then because I wanted to read all the time and was a real bore.

Today I saw a photograph of my father about ten days before he got married. He was shirtless and holding a glass of some absurd concoction, grinning in ignorant bravado at the camera. It made me so happy to know he was just like I am today. But it also made me scared to think about the amount of work it would take to become him one day.

People everywhere are talking about MBA's and futures and it makes me want to jump into a hole.

But maybe I'll just drink.

My mother had left me and my younger,but infinitely more responsible young sister home alone for three days. She's gone to spend a romantic weekend with my father in Bombay-leaving me incharge of my house for the first time ever.

Even though Suks is three years younger, she is saner and infinitely more responsible. As V and I drank away our funds, she persisted to buy milk so we could drink tea in the mornings, helped me host my equally drunk friends when they decided to invade parent-free zone.

I spent two days smoking cigarettes and drinking in the living room just because I could, never once switching on a tube-light.

But Ma has returned bearing cupcakes and love to feed and bring us to life.

I turned twenty one about an hour and fifty minutes back. Technically, I was born at 1:15(Oh yeah child of the night) so it's been about half an hour, at twenty one years back that my parents were presented with their greatest challenge.

This birthday, I'm actually in an unexpectedly good mood (surprise yourself-check!). I don't feel angsty, sad, self important. I'm just feeling happy to be around the people I am and looking forward to meet more of them tomorrow. 

For me, deciding to be around the right people was an important lesson. Before learning it ,I was obsessed with a ridiculous ex-boyfriend who I don't even think I liked at a basic level, I hung-out with people if they made me feel better about myself, or if they just smoked endless pot. But then I decided to stop thriving on bad social experiences and do something better with my time, and get high with a little help only from my actual friends. 

I also learnt to do my shit because it was absolutely worth it, and feel content. I learnt to love other cities and all kinds of people. I'm not comparing this year with the last and learnt to celebrate change and not hate it.

I'm still confused, drunk, uncertain, but excited, often sad, vulnerable and emotional but it's not so bad.

I wish I was writing a coming-of-age novel like Martin Amis or JD Salinger, but I'm not even one percent genius or half as mad. 
Now I must get back to best friend beer.

Whatever, I really like this song.

I just realized that everything I had ever written in the ages 15-19, undeniably the worst words ever written in the history of time, have been deleted from my computer. I actually feel really bad about the loss of my exaggerated adolescence. 

Life would be easier if you could just admit to the yourself, and everyone concerned about how you actually feel- I quote from the sole survivor of my teenage prose.

All day, the only thing I've done is scour the internet to gratify my incredibly weepy mood. I've been at it since one in the afternoon. I stalked Mila Kunis's life and thought continuously about how pretty her hair is. I video blog stalked a seventeen year old English boy who looks like a peach. I watched uncountable episodes of That 70s show and tried to read the Guardian. I re-stalked the Strokes and sobbed about how much fun they are. I you-tubed 'cool cheesy songs', from which I got nothing. I registered myself at every online shopping website that I could. At one point, I even watched twilight fan videos that made me want to cut my head in half. I tweeted to Jaques Derrida ('s representative account,like how there's one for The Beatles) in agony, asking him why he must be such a hard-ass.
Two important conclusions were derived from this beautiful,vital, day.
That there is no such thing as a cheap iPhone.
And when that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Bell/Stewart whatever break up, more people are going to die than in the Great Irish famine.

BUT this week, I stopped biting my nails AND I kicked ass in my exams which are the two things that I have never done. Prepare to be shaken, world!

Sometime last weekend,I remember looking at my newly turned 21 years old friend passed out and signalling to me for water, and feeling crazy happy like everything in the world is right.

My heart is wrenching with sadness because my summer is over.

I can't believe I have to go back to college and sobriety (NOT). Now my friends will leave and the others will go to work and we'll all pretend to be ambitious and reformed for about a week till we can't take it anymore.

What scares me is that this year is my supposed year of achievement. It's the year I make up for all the others of slumbering and scraping through exams. It's the year I aim to put fancy schools on my Facebook profile.

But the truth is that I don't know the first thing about being an achiever. I don't understand how to be competitive or driven. I don't get how to worry about results(mine is out today), and I don't feel the urge to ask everyone else how they're doing or have done so I can place myself on the graph of success.

It's not like I don't care about doing well. I always have in-fact, but I can never seem to dedicate myself to endless swallowing of text books and other people's notes so I can get the marks that I need, more than want.

Maybe I'll learn, or maybe I won't and wade through life like I have till right now, relying on moments when I can watch my friends pass out under my feet and know that this is where life's at.