Daddy cool

 There has not been a day that I have not fought with my father. His obsessive compulsive fatherly madness drives me crazy. Every morning he'd come in to DUST my pillow for his own peace of mind. Like all delhi-fathers before I went out he'd say ' 'kya pehna hai?har ghante ek sms kariyo'

He exercised polite constraint at boys who i was seeing,shaking their hands but dreaming of breaking their legs. 
Dads are weird. Unlike my mom, he understood my constant restlessness, but he just didn't want to let me go out into the big bad world, which had given him so much shit. When I wanted to 'take a walk' at 1 am with my dog he'd remind me that I was a jawaan ladki and if i was out of my mind strolling on the streets in shorts in the dead of the night.

Everyday I'd storm out of the house telling him 'YOU CAN'T CONTROL MY LIFE I'M AN ADULT NOW FOR FUCKSSAKE' but end up getting lost on the road/caught driving without my license/get drunk and stranded somewhere and he would have to come rescue me.

My dad stopped drinking and smoking when I was ten. From a relatively chilled out,long haired, bearded human being he became starkly clean shaven and restricted his social life only to us and my grandparents. When I asked him why we never had any parties at home, and why he wasn't all the other 'cool dads' who gave their kids sips from their whiskey- he told me it wasn't his scene. 

As I grew into a more irrational, know it all, teenager I was convinced that my parents just would never get it and as soon as I could, I'd leave to become the great person they were stopping me from being.

We moved from Delhi to Gurgaon. I was estranged from all my friends and boyfriend that I thought was the first and last love of my life.

All the morons I thought were my friends today are people I walk on the street and cringe to the fact that I ever knew them. loveofmylife cheated on me, left me for someone else, and has on me the same cringing effect.

Recently, my father moved to Bombay for work. My mother went insane but my sister and I went on with our comfortable lives, missing him at times but not realizing his complete absence.

Last week I entered his crumbling, pink-walled, one room apartment with one fan and the bed the size of my dog, all I could do was go into a stunned sadness. He had neatly hung all his boring corporate clothes neatly on the window, and the house was as clean as it could possibly be.

For the first time it struck me, that my father- the man whose life ran on the three uncontrollable women in his life, was taken far away from his sole purpose. He was living away and doing his dumb job that he hated only so I could continue to have drunken nights in Khan market and buy a new pair of Zara shoes.
I wonder how that when people have kids, they go from being normal human beings to just...parents.

Tarun Tejpal in the Alchemy of desire says that there is no such thing as a rational Indian. As we strive towards intellectual liberalism, turn into atheists, cynics and non believers somewhere unreason and emotion creeps in. We track our lives between the paths of rationale and baseless faith.

 So I know that if I do become the great person I am supposed to, and find love, luck and meaning, it will all not matter if I have pissed off my dad and walked out. 
I know that nobody wants to read about this kabhi khushi kabhi ghum type bullshit but but I'm feeling lucky to have the baap of all baaps.

Still feeling like I can’t write and am at a serious loss of intelligent phrasing.

My holidays are ending and I am as always unprepared to take on the world.

Don’twanttogetoutofbed EVER.

Just want to stay inside for good. I'm going to let Brandon say it-then it all makes sense.

Today I read that falling in love is like sex and huger-a primitive, biological drive.
this book is splendid.